Smart Sayings

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Here is the official unit conversion chart for engineers

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

Top Ten Ways to Tell Someone Their Fly is Unzipped

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

3. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

4. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

5. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

6. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

7. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary".

8. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

9. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

10. Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis

Perks of Old Age

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

21. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

Corporate Reality

CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.

Funny Newspaper Ads

As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:

* Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

* Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

* For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

* Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

* For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

* For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.

* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.

* 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.

* Great Dames for sale.

* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.

* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

* Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

* Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

* Stock up and save. Limit: one.

* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.

* We build bodies that last a lifetime.

* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last. * This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.

* For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.

* For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

* Man, honest. Will take anything.

* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

* Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

* 3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

* See ladies blouses. 50% off!

* Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.

* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

* Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.

* Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

* And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Aging Women

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She do es something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you... Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Real Man Test

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. What about hugging another male?

A. If he’s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you’re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male’s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
C. If you’re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...

A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer’s disease and cancer.

6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.

8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They’re in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"

10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you’re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.

11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

12. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

How to Score...

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."

A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.

Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer’s joke.

Joke of the day

First Day at School...

It was the first day of 3rd grade, and a new school for Johnny. As a test, the teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 and 40 with just a few mistakes.

Others couldn't get past 20.

Johnny, however, did extremely well. He counted past 50, right up to 83. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Arkansas, son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. Most made it about half way through without much trouble. Some made it to M and N, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet right to W.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "Son, that's because you are from Arkansas."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly well endowed. This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Arkansas?" he asked.

"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."